Naomi + David // Chicago Engagement

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Naomi + David // Chicago Engagement

Naomi is one of the most compassionate and driven people I know. She and I grew up in the same small town and became close as teenagers when we were both active in our high school's Peer Counseling program. We drifted apart after undergrad, but I continued admiring her from a distance. Naomi and her fiancé, David, moved to Chicago after grad school. I was beyond excited when I received her email last summer asking me to photograph their California wedding this September.

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We got a kitten!

Her name is Squirrel and she'll be twelve weeks on Saturday. She's our little squirrely girl, curious, affectionate, playful, and we love her very much. Batman isn't too sure about her, but we're confident he'll come around.

In other news, our garden is growing (those are tomatillos) and my parents get into town today. Some of our favorite people are coming up to celebrate our housewarming this weekend. Should be a good time. 

Life is moving along at top speed, I have entered wedding season (three down, twelve more to go!) and the next four months are going to be full. It's hard to believe we've been in Grass Valley for almost ten months, but looking around at the progress we've made makes it a little more believable. Patience is becoming a daily lesson around here. Everything takes longer than you think it will (or want it to), and I'm learning to accept it. Time to go scrub my bathroom. xo

Modern Motherhood // Interview with April

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April is mom to Lucette, age 6, and Arley, age 3.

What did you love most about being a kid?

I grew up in a small town about eleven miles from Nevada City called Weimar. My parents had ten acres. They were part of the whole “back to the land” movement—my dad is from Stockton, my mom is from Sacramento—and they moved to this land so we could have goats and chickens. We drank goat's milk and ate fresh eggs. It’s beautiful out there. There’re two ponds on the property and it’s really wild—they’re not landscapers, they kind of left the land untouched—and we spent a lot of time outside. I have two older sisters and a little brother. My older sisters and I played outside a lot. We were very imaginative children. One whole hillside was our pretend house. When we crossed a little stream that divides the property, we would enter our wooded refuge. It was this whole beautiful, imaginary world that we’d come back to each day. Certain bushes were designated as the kitchen, a thicket of old manzanitas were the bedrooms. We’d also spend a lot of time playing in the pond and I have really vivid memories of catching pollywogs, and naming them, and seeing them go through their cycles, and hearing the frogs sing at night and really feeling the cycle of the seasons. We didn’t have TV growing up, I think that when I was born they got one channel, if you held the antenna right [Laughs] but we didn’t watch TV. We were more fascinated by going up on the hillside and listening to our echoes as the sun went down. Being in nature was a huge part of my childhood and having sweet relationships with our animals—our dogs were definitely like part of the family.

Did it feel like there was anything missing?

There were definitely things we longed for, we longed for playing with other children. In college, one of my friends grew up on a cul de sac in Salt Lake City, and I remember asking her to tell me about the night games she played as a kid, because that was a big deal—all the kids would funnel into the cul de sac at night and play night games. Things like that I think I missed a little bit, growing up in the country. Now assessing it as an adult, there were many advantages living like we did. I think it was very informative to who I have become.

What did you think about your mom when you were little?

I adored my mom. I absolutely adored her. She was a very devoted, very loving mother. I remember her always wearing these really long floral skirts, and I would hide under her skirt whenever we were in social settings. I remember that little tent underneath my mama’s skirt as being really safe. She was incredibly nurturing. I think my mom has that gene, that need-to-nurture gene. She was a stay-at-home-mom, but when I was about sixteen she went back to nursing school, and now she’s a nurse.

How did your feelings about her change as you grew older?

My parents divorced when I was sixteen, and I think our roles changed at that point. I kind of became the one who held our family together. I remember the first Christmas after my dad had left, my mom didn’t bring out the Christmas stuff like usual. A friend and I went to this old, abandoned Christmas tree farm and cut down a tree and held it on top of her car and went to my mom’s house and set it up, and I was like, we’re doing this. My brother was still young. I kind of felt like I had to take over preserving of our family’s traditions and rhythms. I’ve kind of always been like that, even to my older sisters, I’ve taken on that roll of being the one that organizes Thanksgiving and the holidays. My mom and everyone will talk about it and be excited, but I’m the one that’s like okay, we’re going to make this happen and I’ll cook the food, put on the christmas albums or find the Thanksgiving parade on TV so we can watch it all together—like we did when we were young.

Tell me about your path to motherhood. Did you always know you wanted to have kids? How did you know you were ready?

Yes, I definitely always wanted to have children, I would sing about it as a little girl. I had a cute little song

when I grow up I want to be a mother / one little two little three little children of my own

I would sing at the top of my lungs. I was raised Mormon, and that maternal role was ingrained in me, but I think naturally I just love kids. I wanted to have six kids, that was my dream. I taught preschool through college and I worked with a lot of different child development organizations after college. Michael and I, when we decided to get married, the thing that triggered that conversation was this feeling that I had regarding my future as a mother. I was living in Taiwan at the time and we were dating long distance. I was working there for six months teaching English at a preschool. After six months I was planning to go home and we would continue our relationship. But I decided I wanted to stay for another six months, I was at this life juncture. I had this guy that I really really loved, and asking him to wait another six months for me....I just didn’t know. I think I was 24. I felt really strongly about staying in Taiwan and had developed relationships with the kids and the families, and I thought, I’m here, I feel like I should really see it through and stay for six more months. It was going so well and I was saving money to pay off student loans. I remember I went to the beach one day. And he knew that I was trying to decide what to do, whether I would come back and we’d continue dating or I’d stay and we didn’t know what would happen. I went to the beach in Taiwan and stayed out there for a really long day, and rode my bike home as the sun was setting. I had this really strong feeling that I was going to have a daughter. And that Michael was going to be my partner. And I needed to talk to him about that to see if he really was that person. The idea of this future little girl kind of got us to talk about the seriousness of our relationship. We were definitely more at the beginning phase of our relationship, but it jumped us into something more serious, and he was like, I want to be that person that helps you raise this future child. It made us examine what is this future that we have together and should we pursue it? I had decided that my future would involve having a child at some point, but I did want to stay in Taiwan, so we actually got married. We went to Spain and got married and then we both returned to Taiwan for six months, which was really wonderful for us. I think it set a precedence for who we are in our relationship together, that we are very adventurous and take the path less chosen.

And then we were married for six years before we had Lucette! But I don’t think there was ever a feeling of me wanting to start the family right away or visa versa. We had found each other, we knew we’d make a family together one day and it felt really wonderful. I think it’s been good to develop our relationship. We traveled a lot and have had many great adventures. Then, it was right before I was graduating from Columbia University with my master’s degree, I was working on my thesis and I had a funny feeling. My husband is a software engineer, so he was in another room of our apartment, working. I snuck down and went to the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test. I just had this feeling. I knew I was pregnant. A friend asked, were you trying? I think ever since we got married we were open to it. We weren’t trying for six years but we were always open to it and felt like we could embrace a new life when it came. I’m grateful that before she did come, that we had six years together to strengthen our bond. We have those adventures under our belt and know that we work really well together, so taking on parenting together has been pretty seamless. We have this track record for getting through stuff together well. For us it just worked out really nicely.

What are some of your favorite things about being a mom?

I love the joy that my kids have for life. Both my kids are really bright, joyful children, and they get so excited about each day. They wake up thrilled to be alive and it brings such a fun energy into our home. I love getting excited about pollywogs again, and ducklings, and the seasons. When I was little the seasons were really big in my life, and that has surfaced again now that I’m a mama. We do so many seasonal things in our home. We have little stories for each season and songs that we sing.

One of the big reasons why we left New York was I wanted my children to have spontaneous interactions with nature and to experience life uncurated. In the city things are very structured, and [I wanted] to see things happen naturally in a natural environment. It’s been cool to see them get a little wild since we moved from New York. I think children are very sensitive to different energies in their environment. When we go to the beach one of my favorite things is to watch Lucette—the minute her feet touch the sand she’s completely transformed, she absorbs the energy of the ocean. She will run up and down the beach and she starts telling this story and she’s following the wind, and her body’s just like—it’s so beautiful to see someone so willing to be vulnerable and open to this magical force that the ocean is, and completely aware of it. It’s one of my favorite things. And when we go to the river, both of them are transformed and they get so into it. It’s inspiring to see how children can be so present. They’re not thinking about anything else. The only thing they’re thinking about is what’s in their hands or how the water feels on their feet, just the simple things that are right there happening then and now, and that’s been the most wonderful thing, and a beautiful reminder for me. Michael and I are always telling ourselves, be present, be focused, just enjoy now. As adults I think we’re trained to think about the future, and multitasking has overtaken everyone. [Children] are such a good example of being here now and just being alive and enjoying it.

 

How has the relationship with your husband changed since having kids?

Michael is very respectful of me and makes a conscious effort to instill this in our children, just as his father did for him. As a child, when he or his siblings would act up, his dad would say, do you know how hard it was for me to convince your mom to marry me? Don’t you guys mess it up for me!—She was always treated with such love and respect, and so, now, Michael does that for our children. It just feels incredible to have these two littles that he’s teaching to adore me. It’s definitely strengthened our bond and branched it out into new directions that have been really exciting and meaningful.

What have you learned about yourself since becoming a mother?

There are magical, unexplainable things that happen when you’re a mother caring for young children. There’s also this incredible feeling of victory and confidence that settles in after days, week, and years of navigating challenges with creativity and intuition.

Are there any societal pressures on motherhood that you feel more than others?

I think the big thing for mothers of my generation is trying to navigate the work/life balance. I graduated with my Master’s degree just a few weeks before my first baby arrived. It felt amazing to have made it through my schooling before she arrived. While living in New York, I found wonderful work opportunities. Now that we live here and have had a second child, I’m devoting all my energy to my home life. While it’s a choice I’m making and I’m so grateful that I can be home with my babies, I sometimes feel the pressure to be using my degree.

What are some of the biggest differences between your childhood and the one you’re creating for your children?

It’s been interesting recently returning to the where I grew up. We moved back from New York City two years ago. My mom still lives in my childhood home in Weimar. I see my children running, hopping, swimming and daydreaming where I once did. It’s lovely to see your child wade in a pond, the very pond that you spent hours and hours catching tadpoles in, throwing rocks in and seeing your reflection in. So in that sense there are a lot of similarities.

One of the biggest differences is the parenting dynamic that existed between my parents compared to me and Michael. With modern parenting, fathers are strong figures in the home and incredibly involved. I feel like that’s a relatively new thing. [Now] there seems to be this really intentional collaboration between the parents. Michael and I have a strong sense of how we feel about parenting. We work really hard to support each other and spend a lot of time reflecting on situations and communicating.

How has your relationship with your parents changed since becoming a mother?

I feel like I see my own parents in a new light since becoming a parent myself. I feel a lot of compassion, gratitude and understanding. I believe they did their best. Now that I’m going through it myself. [Even when] I make decisions to do things differently, I can still have an understanding of why they did it their way. As an adult I’m grateful for the work ethic my dad ingrained in us. He has always been an incredibly hard worker. I remember witnessing that as a child and as an adult—it's a quality of his that has remained constant. 

What inspires you?

I love creating art with my children. I’ve always tried to balance my life with some sort of artistic project. In college I always had at least one art class on my schedule and I had a second major in art. It’s the best way to balance my life. I have strong feelings about how art should be introduced to children. I believe it’s more about the process—presenting them with different materials and letting their natural creativity and curiosity guide them. It’s been wonderful presenting artistic explorations for my kids. I enjoy thinking of different materials or different ways to present the materials. Sometimes I’ll set up a project in a spot they wouldn’t expect to find it in, like outside under the camellia bush, and they’ll stumble upon it—I don’t know when, but they will—and to see them find it and feel totally confident, like, I’m going to do something with this! and start creating—it is so gratifying!

What is one part of motherhood that you struggle with?

I think one of the hardest things has been shifting from the intimate, insular life of mothering babies, with much of your time spent at home, to the unexpected situations that arise as your child spends more and more time away from home interacting with new people and new situations. To see the ones you love in the outside world, there for everyone else’s interpretation can be hard. This little child that you feel so protective of and you know so intimately—you know every little detail. You’ve invested so much love into them and then to have other people not understand them, or only get five minutes with them, whether it’s their best five minutes or their worst—that’s all they get. Then having that feeling of no no no, you don’t really know them, and also feeling bad for that person because they don’t get to know the magnitude of how amazing this child is!

What are your hopes for your children?

I want them to feel confident and I want them to feel loved. I want them to learn to trust in themselves. I want them to know that in our home they’re always going to have a place that they can find love and acceptance. When they leave home, I want them to feel confident that they can interact in the world, no matter where they are, with respect, empathy and curiosity.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Gosh. I don’t know...especially knowing Michael and I, and the way we adventure through the world. [Laughs] So, today we bought our house, which is a huge milestone for us. When Lucette is in 4th grade we would like to take our kids for a year sabbatical and travel around the world. Buying the house was the first step in that plan. We buy a house, save some money, our kids have their early years in this sweet little town, then we will travel and show them that there’s a whole world out there. That’s something that’s really important to us. After that we kind of have it open, we don't know how a year of travel is going to affect our family narrative. It could change where we want to live. Who knows. I don’t know where we’ll be in 10 years, but I think we’ll be somewhere fun and adventurous.

Thank you April!  ♥♥♥

To see the other interviews in this series, click here. 

childless on mother's day

This day last year was hard for me, desperately wanting to be a mother and knowing that if I could only get through it, it would be the last Mother's Day that I wasn't. And I was wrong. I never imagined our journey to conceive would last this long (and it's really a drop in the bucket compared to how long many couples try) but this Mother's Day I am not feeling as much angst. I know I will be a mom someday. Holding in the feeling of my heart splitting for something I want more than anything was the hardest part. I felt like I was walking around cloaked in a blanket of sadness that no one could know about and it was a lonely place. And I have more compassion now because of it.

Mother's Day is a complicated holiday. There are those of us who are missing our mothers passed or who never had a mother present. There are those of us who have lost children, which is the most heartbreaking of all. There are those of us longing to be mothers and those of us in the trenches being told to enjoy it while they're young because they grow up fast! And there is so much damn pressure.

I hope for all women, no matter where you find yourself, that today is a day you can love and appreciate yourself for all you have to give. You are no less, you are everything. And my own mom? I couldn't have asked for a better one. She made motherhood look effortless and she mothers with endless joy and intention. She's the warmest, most generous person I know and I am lucky to have her as my example. I love you mom.

Little Boy Flowers

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Back in April I had to opportunity to visit Little Boy Flowers in Nevada City and photograph Angie and her team. Taking photographs on a flower farm fulfilled a long term dream of mine. AND it was peak ranunculus season! There is something magical about being in a place where everyone is working to create something beautiful. The place is incredible. 

Thank you Angie for letting me into your world. You can find them online at their beautiful website and on instagram (@littleboyflowers).

In the Garden

Over the past few weeks we have been powering through on our yard, and we plan to get a lot more done between now and June (my parents booked their flights!). Yesterday we finished installing a vent in the ceiling of our greenhouse (that we converted from a wood shed) and we said goodbye to our lovely cover crop: we gave it a good weedeating and then our very kind neighbor came over and rototilled. Just like that, our garden is ready for planting.

One thing I have pieced together in recent months is that homeownership highlights strengths and weaknesses. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not much of a self-starter when it comes to house and yard tasks. I often shut down (and would rather go find something to eat) when faced with a challenge. Give me any menial task (weeding, laundry, dishes) that doesn't require much thought, has visible signs of progress being made, and can be completed in a set amount of time, and I'll do it until it's done. But if a project requires critical thinking, problem solving, or if it's something I've never done before, I get intimidated. Fortunately, my husband excels in all of the areas I am weakest. This is why I married him.

On Saturday we got excited about a kitty up for adoption, but when we met him he wasn't excited about us. We're going to wait until the right one comes along. I am a strong believer in the "we don't choose pets, pets choose us" philosophy, and I have a pretty terrific track record to back it up. :)

In other news, TOMORROW MORNING I FLY TO CHICAGO!!! It'll be my first time in the windy city, and this trip is equal parts business and pleasure. But because I love my work so much it's really all pleasure. I am so excited!

Modern Motherhood // Interview with Wendy

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Wendy is mom to Veda (9 months) and Felix (6). Felix was at school during our interview.

What did you love most about being a kid?

I loved the play aspect of being a kid, and I definitely played for a really long time. I played dolls and we played outside a lot. My brother and I did tons of fort building and imaginative play—I remember my mom [always] saying, “go outside and play!” and that was just our cue and we knew exactly what to do. We had really deep imaginations and we were always building forts and bark huts...and putting safety pins through flowers and then selling them as earrings…we were really creative together. 

What is your mom like?

She’s really loving and playful. She’s really good with children. She was a second grade teacher for about 25 years and now she’s an amazing grandmother. She actually spends a lot of time with Felix and is always doing things like stopping at the fire station with him and being like, let’s learn about firemen! She’ll just show up and meet the fire chief and somehow get them an amazing private tour of the fire station and fire engine. 

What did you think of your mom when you were little?

I thought she was super fun and easygoing…she was never uptight about the house being messy, or how we were in the space…she created a really kid-friendly environment that promoted childhood.

Tell me about your path to motherhood.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom, for sure. That was absolutely part of my life’s plan, since I was a little girl. I definitely played with dolls a lot longer than a lot of my peers. Everyone was eleven or twelve and transitioning to pop music and movie stars and sleepovers and I played with dolls for kind of an exceptional, embarrassing amount of time.

What was it about dolls?

It was the nurturing element and the imagination that went along with putting different outfits together. It was funny, today Felix said to me, “for her first birthday maybe we should get [Veda] a doll.” I said, “yeah, maybe we can get her one of those really soft Waldorf dolls”—he goes to the Waldorf school—and he said, “no, I want to get her one of those plastic ones, because, you know, girls love changing their dolls’ outfits and it will be a lot easier with one of those plastic dolls.” I was like, you’re right, that’s what I liked doing!

But my path to motherhood…it was never a question to me, do I want to be a mom or not? I knew that would be part of my life. When I moved back here I met my husband and I pretty much instantaneously knew that he would be the father of my children.

How did you know you guys were ready to have kids?

We were together for about a year and I would say we just opened ourselves up to that coming into our lives. Pretty shortly after that I became pregnant and we were both so excited and also scared at the same time—I imagine most people feel that way when they realize they’re pregnant. Even if it’s something you’ve wanted for a long time…that moment you realize that it’s happening is…it’s unnerving. I remember immediately looking at the pregnancy test and I was like well do I need to go to the doctor tomorrow? Isn’t that what people do the moment they find out they’re pregnant? We ended up having a home birth and working with a midwife. We went and found the midwife we were going to have, and after our first appointment I was like, so do I need to go to the doctor? And she asked, “well, why?” And I was like, “I don’t know why! Isn’t that just what people do?” And she said, “no, that’s why you’re seeing us.”

So I simultaneously realized how little I knew about pregnancy and childbirth and this alternative path that I was seeking. Even though I was committed to that [alternative path], so much of my background and personal foundation was [rooted] in such a traditional path as well. I didn’t really have any family members who had had home births, so I still saw it as, but you also go the doctor, right? I didn’t realize that it could be so comprehensive. For me, that was the beginning of really learning about the details of childbirth and pregnancy—even though you think you know a lot, just because it’s something you’re interested in—all of a sudden when you’re in it there are all of these questions that come up, for me at least, that I’d never considered just as a “fangirl” of pregnancy and childbirth [Laughs]. There’s really so much to know about it, and once you find yourself in that situation, it’s on such a deeper level that it just becomes wonderfully all-consuming. Especially the first time around. This time was very different. [Laughs]

What are some of your favorite things about being a mom?

I love the connection of being on the same wavelength with [my children]. That does not happen constantly throughout the day for me, honestly. It’s that moment when I really drop in and am present and connecting, and eye contact and skin contact, both with the baby and with my older son as well. It’s a really heart-connected, magical time when I don’t feel like I’m being pulled on by other tasks around the house or work-related [obligations], it’s just connected, centered, connecting time. And there is such a deep connection that exists between mother and child, but as we’re living day to day and doing all the things that need to happen throughout the day—getting children ready, cooking, working, having conversations, arranging things—there are so many distractions that can take you away from being present. I find my favorite thing is when I’m conscientious of those moments, when we are looking at each other and I feel them in my brain and in my body, and that is just an energetic exchange back and forth. It’s electrifying. I want to make a bigger effort to experience that more throughout the day. 

What is one part of motherhood you struggle with?

Just one?! It’s a cliché, of course, but for me it’s totally the balance. The balance of how to be all things for everyone. And I’m not under any illusion that the world will collapse if I can’t do everything—that’s not where I’m coming from. It’s just how to create space for all of the pieces that make up motherhood and womanhood and personhood. For me those are: time with my children, time with my friends, time with my husband, time alone—which basically never happens, and I could spend 80% of my time alone. If I could, I would probably choose that, and then pepper it with time with friends and family. For me one of the hardest things is completely losing that really important equilibrium which involves time with myself. At this moment when [Veda] is needing so much attention and care, I really only have a couple hours during the day when she’s asleep, and I have a whole list of things to do during that time. So I really don’t allow that time to be that quiet alone time that I crave.

One thing we’re doing differently this time around, as opposed to with Felix, is we have a babysitter a couple days a week and that’s a big change. As a first time mom I didn’t get that that was okay to do, especially when he was a baby, and now I feel like I know better. I know that receiving support, asking for support, and knowing where to look for it when you need it is the thing that can really keep the harmony happening in the family. The thing about babies and children is that they change so quickly, so everything is a stage. You can find yourself in the thick of a really difficult stage and then all of sudden it changes, and you didn’t even quite adjust to that first one, but now you’re in a new stage. Having to adjust after not even getting up to speed with the first change—it’s exhausting. But if I had to condense it down in a nutshell it would be about maintaining that balance and I think that that balance is always changing. So learning to be flexible is really crucial. I always think of that Rudyard Kipling story, and I can’t remember the story exactly, but the moral is “it’s better to bend than to break.” I wouldn’t have always thought about it that way. [In the past] I would have thought, I need to be really rigid and structured in order to keep the balance. I need to hold the boundaries, and be strict with what it is that I need and what our family needs. The times that I’ve done that I’ve worn myself out and basically broken, and this time around I just know that you have to be flexible and you have to be willing to bend even deeper than what you think is good. You learn when to bend and when to hold, I guess.

What have you learned about yourself since becoming a mother?

I’m kind of reflecting on this time around, but in general I’ve learned I’m a really Type A person, and I never would have acknowledged that before, but I am and I think it serves me really well, but it also has the tendency to make me a little crazy if I can’t let go of that from time to time. And hands down, having the second child has forced me into epically mellow proportions for me. It’s been surprising how easy it’s been to just let go of a lot. 

In what ways are you Type A?

I’ve mentioned my mom would sort of let us do whatever we wanted around the house. Our house wasn’t at all a pit or anything, but my mom was just much more willing to let the house be messy for the benefit of us. If I’m not careful I’ll just be running around the house tidying it up all day, and with two kids that’s insane because you’re literally doing that all day and they’re just following you around making messes. Someone told me once, “trying to clean a house with little kids is like trying to brush your teeth while you eat Oreos”—it’s impossible. My tendency would be to try and do that anyways, but now I just clean the house once a week. I know that usually come Friday or Saturday it’s borderline disgusting, but I know that Sunday I’ll be cleaning it, and it’s fine. So just letting go of things that actually really matter to me. If I remain rigid about those the overall joy and health of our family will go down...knowing that certain things have to be let go of.

I can be Type A about housekeeping and also about keeping a schedule, because I tend to have a lot going on and I work part time. My to-do list is really important to me and gives me a lot of satisfaction [knowing] that I’ve done everything that I needed to do, but also there are days when I realize I’m not going to get that satisfaction of getting everything done, and I’m a little more able to accept that now than previously. Sometimes I would wrestle myself into this ball of anxiety trying to accommodate everything and do everything, and all I was left with was a feeling of anxiety and not really that much satisfaction from the day—not to mention joy. Now I have learned to either put way less on the to-do list or know that some days it’s going to get completely derailed.

What has surprised you about motherhood?

The truth is, how much work it is. I feel like my life skill set has expanded tenfold just learning how to manage so many different energies and needs. And it’s like a muscle in the sense that when you first start out it’s unbelievably crazy how much it consumes your life. When you realize for the first few months (if you choose to breastfeed) you’re literally nursing for about eight hours a day. Not straight, but when you add them all up it’s about 8-10 hours. You wonder, how am I going to get anything else done, if I’m nursing for eight to ten hours a day? And you really do build up a muscle that only keeps growing to allow you to take on the things that keep coming into your life. It’s so true, with a second child it’s exponentially more work. I feel like my muscle was pretty strongly developed with one [child] and right now it’s at an incredibly intense building stage again.

It will get easier!

[Laughs] Yeah, and it already is easier than a couple months ago. I am more used to the demands at this point.

Are there any societal pressures that you feel more than others?

The career/motherhood conversation is incredibly confusing and contradictory. I personally feel like I have a pretty good balance of career and family, but I certainly thought I would have more of a career at this point in my life. But simultaneously I have no idea how I would be the type of mother I want to be if I was working full time. I don’t know what society wants, and that’s the confusing part. Do they want present mothers or do they want hard core worker-bee women? I guess I haven’t figured out how to have both at the level it seems society wants us to. It’s crazy.

But in the last two years I have had some really great personal breakthroughs with realizing my path to inner happiness is definitely going to be letting go of a perceived expectation I have. Trying to do it the way that society is indicating is the best way just isn’t possible for me. I think so much of it has to do with where you live too. I think there’s less pressure to have a career here [in Nevada County] during motherhood, but I see friends in the Bay Area and it seems like the pressure must be insane to do both, and the necessity for many people is to do both.

I want to have more of a career and eventually I know I will, but I just had to let go of it being right now. After raising Felix I realized that baby time is so short, and this is our last child and I really don’t want her to be starting kindergarten and feel like I missed all of this baby time or I was stressing and really trying to do too much. Having that perspective of already having raised one child all the way through kindergarten has allowed me to slow down and enjoy this time quite a bit. 

What are some of the biggest differences between your childhood and the one you’re creating for your children?

I think one of the biggest differences is our kids are being raised in a more close-knit community—based on my husband and my involvement in our community as well as the school that [Felix] goes to—where there are a lot of families that know each other very well and the children are growing up as members of the community as opposed to how my brother and I grew up, which was more like members of a neighborhood. We didn’t go into town much—and we just lived on Banner Mountain—but it was just the way that my parents were. They worked really hard and on the weekends we just played a lot at home. That was wonderful, it was just different. Town and the greater community was not something I remember being a part of until I was much, much older, like in high school. It’s not that my parents weren’t community minded, they just had less time to devote to nurturing those relationships. I think it was because they both worked full time and that was just what had to give in their life. My husband and I have more flexible schedules, and with that extra time we choose to be more involved with our community. It’ll be really interesting because there are a lot of adults and families that are literally seeing our children every day and will watch them grow up over the next ten and fifteen years, and have a really intimate look at what their lives are like, and visa versa.

How has your relationship with your parents changed since becoming a mother?

It’s so much better. It’s so much more wonderful and I feel like I am more able to express gratitude to my parents now, having walked in their shoes, essentially. That’s actually a huge relief, being able to understand all that they gave to us and to me. The sweetness of seeing that grandparent relationship develop is really incredible. Seeing how Felix has such a close relationship with my mom and also seeing [Veda] start to develop this awareness of this other adult in her life who is a total touchstone and part of that village.

How has your relationship with your partner changed since becoming parents? 

It’s definitely deepened. It’s often hard to maintain that romantic love that I think we’re so attracted to when we choose our partners, [but] in a sense it gives way to a much deeper love, absolutely. In a day to day sense it sometimes can become very logistical oriented, and that can make things a little dry. But knowing that what you share with this person is a love that you two share more than anyone in the world for these people [motions to Veda] is something that keeps you trying really hard to keep the spark alive as well as just continuing to create a better life for your crew, that you are now a part of. 

How have you seen technology impact motherhood?

For those eight hour nursing sessions it’s been a really wonderful way to tap into the rest of the world and feel connected to friends and things going on in the world, but at the same time it’s definitely an intrusion into family life. We’ve had to be really mindful with creating boundaries around when it is and isn’t okay to have technology. For the first year that we lived in this house we decided not to even have the internet here, and it was a wonderful year. And then I started a Master’s program and I needed the internet for that, so we got it here and that was also really nice, but it very much changed the ways we interacted as a family. And even though our son doesn’t use technology or media very often, except for once a week, there are still those moments where we check our phones, and it feels like we’re only looking at it for a minute but really ten minutes have passed, and the last thing I want is my kids to be competing with technology for my attention. It definitely influences and impacts the rhythm of our lives and our family and so being conscientious of when we use it is something we really strive for.

What are your hopes for your children?

I hope for happiness for them and I hope that they have other relationships in their lives that are fulfilling and connected. I hope that they allow themselves to have dreams that they can strive for. And I hope that they want to stay connected to us as they grow older, which, I’m sure they will. I don’t know…those are—I was going to say that those are pretty simple hopes, but actually those aren’t simple, those are really wonderful things to accomplish in someone’s life. I just truly want them to feel fulfilled as people and have an inner strength. 

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 

That will make me 45. Felix will be 16, and she’ll be 10. Wow. I really have no idea. I can’t even fathom that. But I know ten years is going to go by in a blink of an eye. In ten years I want to be in a similar place to I am now, but maybe starting to focus more on my career. I think about my kids at that age also and it’s not like they’ll need me any less, it will just be in a different way, and I still want to be able to be driving them to and from events and activities and [be] really involved in their lives. It brings me back to that societal question of career and family and when is ever really possible to do all of it? 

One of our family goals has always been to travel with our children, so hopefully in ten years time we’ll have started doing that and maybe taken some interesting family trips. One of the places we would really like to go in the next year is Mexico City. My husband and I have both been there and I know our son would really love it. He’s like a city boy trapped in a country boy’s life. I would say one of the goals we have as a family is to incorporate travel into our lives more. I hope in ten years that we’ve made that a reality.  

Thank you Wendy! ♥ 

To see more from this series, click here.

Family of Three // Lake Wildwood Natural Light Photographer

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These three are pretty fantastic. We met at a poker tournament on New Year's eve. Eight days later we got together at the park and I got to meet their vivacious baby girl, who I'm sure has grown a ton since then! Going through these images I am reminded of the zillionth reason why I love photographing families. Sure, happy smiling babies are one of the best things there is, but how often do you get to see so much joy radiate from grown adults? New parents are a special breed, they are lit from within by the love for their child. And it's infectious. ♥

Saying Goodbye

I am so unbelievably sad. We had to bury our Little Kitty yesterday morning—a bright, beautiful morning—after he was hit by a car. He was three. 

…

I am still in bed when Batman jumps onto my nightstand. I part the curtains so he can step onto the window sill. He is perched there for a long time, and I later realize he can see the street from the window. 

Jeffery is in the kitchen washing dishes, singing about Little Dude like he does, when I hear a knock on the door.

Our neighbor is more flustered than usual, apologetic for waking us. “We weren’t awake,” I assure him, stumbling, “I mean asleep. We’re awake.” 

“I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but your cat has been hit by a car.”

“It wasn’t our cat—” I blurt out, and take stock of the kitties. Batman is in the bedroom and Little Kitty—

I look past him to the street. Through the white fence I can see him, fluffy black tail, red tag, lifeless. 

I shout for Jeff, who is still singing, oblivious to the knock on the door (you can’t hear anything through cedar walls), I shout again, louder. He comes. I retreat to the couch to sob.

…

Batman watches from the window as we dig a grave. Tears spill on the soil. We hit rock about three feet down.

…

I sit on the porch in the sun, and Batman comes out and joins me, sniffs the air. The breeze picks up, and cherry blossoms fall around us like snow. 

He never got to experience summer. Since moving into our home and letting him out into the world we’ve watched his personality blossom. He would chase us around the yard like a dog, always wanting to be where we were. He was so particular. He loved perching on fence posts and curling up on the rice straw between the rosemary and the garlic, safe from the world. He loved being outside. And when he was inside sleeping, he had to have a pillow. 

I need to eat something. The pit in my stomach, the ache and the hurt and the sadness and the pain, is magnified by my hunger. I haven't had anything and it's almost noon. I set the water to boil for a third time.

…

All day Batman looks at me with these huge wondering eyes. We let him outside and he sniffs all around, searching. How do you explain to a cat that he won’t see his little buddy again?

It’s crazy how much you can love an animal. How much joy they can bring to your lives. I think about how much less hair I’ll have to clean up as a consolation, and it doesn’t make up for the gaping hole. In just a few short years he completely stole our hearts.

Life is fleeting. You never know when it’s going to be the last time you see someone. His life was so damn short, but every day was full.

A few months ago I was playing around with my camera settings and decided to make a double exposure. To do so, you select a photo that’s on your memory card and then you take a second photograph. I chose this one of the kitties:

And then I snapped a shot out the window. The tip of his tail becomes a little tree, right above where we buried his body. I find it hauntingly beautiful.

Hug the ones you love. And please please drive slowly.

On Trying to Conceive

This rain has me not wanting to get exercise or figure out what to make for dinner. It has me curled up in bed with my kitties, groggy from the nap I just took and wanting to take another. It has me choosing hot cereal with nuts and maple syrup over eggs and veggies in the morning, and dreaming about long walks and sunnier days. Or maybe I’m just blaming the rain and what I really want is a baby in my belly and a full workload. After nine months of obsessing over my fertility, I recently joined a Facebook group for women who are actively trying to conceive. It’s nice having a place where I can speak openly, because not talking about it isn’t helping anyone. I don’t know what I was afraid of before. Maybe I felt like we hadn’t been trying long enough. Maybe I was embarrassed, because I thought it would happen easily. Maybe I was scared and I didn’t want to jinx it.

On a warm day in December, I was hanging sheets to dry on the clothesline. Sheets I bought with you in mind—your dark hair and milky skin, sleeping soundly amongst the violets. I could envision you playing between them as they dried, laughing—mouth wide, cheeks rosy. I felt a hollowness in my stomach, empty and raw. The sheets hung there, cold and wet in the weak winter sun. I didn’t expect this wanting—this longing—to be so visceral. My arms ache for the weight of you.

It’s March, and we are planning our garden. I picked a vase full of daffodils and they made me so happy. It’s definitely a nice distraction, nurturing our green things along, excited by new growth and blossom. And then sometimes I just have to let myself be sad. Sad because I’ve wanted this for so long, and I have to keep waiting. I feel like my whole life has been a lesson in patience, and I’m still not very good at it.