five weeks postpartum

Five weeks postpartum. I love so much about this image. Her toes. My hair. The angle of our limbs. Beautiful in an obvious way. This is not the image I had in mind when I asked Jasmin to photograph us. I envisioned us from up above, bellies touching, stretch marks on display. She got it so much better. She did take the one I asked of her. It's beautiful in a different way. You just have to look a little harder to see the beauty and I feel brave sharing it. Perspective is everything. 

I gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy, while eating incredibly well and swimming about 4,000 yards a week throughout my second and most of my third trimesters. 9 months in and I didn't have any stretchmarks. I felt happy and proud to have avoided them. And then they appeared at the very end, and not on my belly, but on my hips and breasts. And I'm so glad they did. Badges of motherhood, hiding beneath my clothes. Someone I admire told me, "your body is so deserving of all the love and admiration and praise you can nourish it with." And she's right. I'm grateful for my body, the body that grew this beautiful child. There is nothing more miraculous to me than the reality of every one of us growing inside our mothers' bodies.

Photos by Dogwood & Fern Photography

one

One month today! ❤️ I can see how this first year is going to fly by. People say "the days are long" and maybe it's because you're a great sleeper, but somehow every day gets away from me, even when I try to savor it. You are so alert and so chill. You love being held and are easily soothed. We feel so lucky you're ours. Your dad and I adore you, Ella Bella. Keep up the good work!

baby bumblebee

Late last night I was attaching tiny antennae to a tiny beanie, and I was tired (because I have a newborn) and projects that require problem solving and fine motor skills are all that more challenging when you're tired. It made me appreciate my mom so much more, for all the late nights she spent finishing up our costumes and school projects. I'm learning that the lengths a mother will go for her child are limitless—and I should really get better about not leaving things for the last minute. 

our breastfeeding journey, week three

Ella at two weeks with her great grandmother, Marina, age 79

Going in, my confidence level was very high. The women in my family breastfed their babies no problem and so would I. In the first two weeks I found myself googling lip ties, lip blisters, and "when does nursing a newborn get easier?" I saw a lactation consultant when you were 6 days old and the week that followed was smooth sailing. I felt empowered.

And then the week after that it got harder. My breasts hurt more than they did before. We had one hellish night where you wouldn't latch and I was in pain, frustrated, and exhausted. I felt angry with you and I asked myself, "is there a way I don't have to do this at night?" and was instantly overwhelmed with grief and guilt and shame. I dreaded feeding you and it broke my heart. There were a lot of tears. My sweet baby, you didn't ask to be born with a lip tie and a tongue tie and a tiny little mouth. 

I wanted to love nursing and thought I would. I didn't expect breastfeeding a baby to be more painful than childbirth. Every time you latch on I have to consciously unclench my teeth, relax my shoulders, and remind myself to breathe.

Things I'm grateful for: You are thriving—pooping, peeing, and gaining weight like a champ. I don't have a supply issue. My nipples aren't damaged. You are a great sleeper. I reached out to other moms and found solace in their stories and shared experience. They assured me that it does get easier. 

And then all of a sudden around the 18 day mark we had a breakthrough. I am no longer so reliant on the positions we worked out with the lactation consultant. Your mouth has grown and you have an easier time latching. We're not quite out of the woods yet and haven't completely ruled out corrective surgery, but at this point, surgery would be more beneficial for me and my nipples than for you, and I think I can go without. Because being able to nourish my child is everything.

two weeks young

Two weeks you've been earthside, and in that time you have shown me how quickly people can change. I've watched my husband become a father, my mother a grandmother, and I feel like a completely new person. I've watched you grow, ounces every day. Your eyebrows are more defined, you're more expressive, more coordinated, and more predictable. You make the same funny face every time you've had enough milk. You're fussier than you were the first week, mostly because your tummy hurts, but you're very good at communicating your needs and love to be patted, bounced, and walked. You have two cries, hungry and uncomfortable, one of which is resolved the second I pull out a nipple. I've watched my own body change remarkably fast, my belly shrinking much quicker than it grew. You're our little bug, our little squish, our Ella Bella. It's fun to dream about all the things we'll do with you when you're older. It's also fun to appreciate you for who you are right now. We love you so.